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bitch please house md critic


Picture Of Me

Musings Of The Snarky Doctor

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PPT3K SEASON 4 PREMIERE - Not So Crazy After All (Part 1)
bitch please house md critic

Get ready for a new PPT3K season, beginning with a fic... well, from abroad.

Princeton Plainsboro Theatre 3000

Sung by: House and The Ducklings

Written by: Marco and The Marcos

In a not too distant future
Next Tuesday more or less
There was the acerbic Dr. House
who of rules couldn't care less

He worked at Princeton Hospital,
No white coat for him as usual
He worked on cases which were really weird
And when he noticed bad!fic his evil side was thrilled...

'I'll read my colleagues cheesy bad!fic,
The worse I can find,
They'll have to sit and read them all
and I'll monitor their minds (if they have any).'

Now keep in mind House can control
when the bad!fic begins or ends
But don't you dare think that he'd ever spare
his dear colleagues and friends

Princeton role call:

Cuddy (Yay for me getting an episode!)
Foreman (Feels kinda like home.)
Chase (I'm heeere!)
Cameron (Don't care, not gonna go anywhere.)
WIIIIIILSON! (If you don't know me by now...)

If you wonder how they eat and breathe
and other science facts
Now keep in mind "It's a hospital,
I should really just relax,

House: Did I mention Tritter's here?
Tritter: Isn't this a wonderful Christmas Gift?

For Princeton Plainsboro Theatre 3000!!!"

It's time for the Christmas Party, and Mark & Derek, remembering last
year's debacle, have clearly steered Wilson away from any instrument.

You think there won't be any trouble? Think again...

Mark: Come on...
House: No.
Derek: It's just...
House: NO! I don't want ANYTHING that sprung out of any of your loins
to come to the party!
Cuddy: That means I could bring Rachel... if I wanted to.
House: I forgot I meant to say 'both metaphorical and literal'.
Mark: She's 18, what would be the problem?
House: Are the words 'your daughter' enough?
Derek: No.
House: She's still a kid, and I don't like kids and don't want them
Tritter: *takes a photo album out of a drawer* *grins maliciously*
These photos prove otherwise.
House: You wouldn't!
Jack B: *snickers* By the way, weren't you two going to adopt?
Derek: If you mean us, we did. It's a boy.
House: Oh good, one more person that won't be allowed at the party.
Mark: *ignores him* *takes out photos* *proud papa tone* here he is.
Bree: Oooh, isn't he a cutie! What's his name?
Derek: Mark Patrick Sloan-Shepherd. Although Sloan propsed the name
'Merek', whch was gracefully refused. Along with her suggestion to
adopt a little girl and call her 'Renesmee'.
Mark: You really can't tell if someone is joking, do you?
Derek: Not if they are always on joking mode.

Then all but House (but mostly the women) make oohs and aahs over the
baby pics, so House says

House: Anyway, time to uphold a Christmas Tradition: BADFIC READING!!!

Bad!Fic Sign flashes, and everybody screams


[Doors 1-6, they go into the theater]

A/N: take place in the beginning of season 4.

Cuddy: Hm...

I’m not quite happy with it so I’d appreciate it if you write some
comments to know what I did wrong.

House: Comment - you started writing this story, that's what you did

English is not my native language,

Chase: Thanks for informing us.

so please excuse me for any annoying grammar or spelling mistakes, I’ll
try to work them out.

Foreman: Sure, we will.

Chapter 1

“When the TB is not TB?” the best diagnostic in Jersey shouted.

House: Apparently, my hovercraft is full of eels.

“Well, let’s tell never!?” the African-American doctor answered.

Foreman: I think that was supposed to be Ebonics... translated into
Japanese... by a carrot. And I think you know how much I carrot about

“Wrong, TB’s obviously not TB when TB meds only make it worse. Then
what are we doing?”

Mark: Subscribing to the Redundancy Redundancy Department's Newsletter,
I guess.

“Stop them?” tried hesitantly a mouse-faced one.

Chase: *snickers*

“Can’t be more wrong!” Gregory House rolled his eyes.

Brennan: Sentence fragments! Just phrases!

“Make more tests?” a brunette girl asked.

Derek: Tests are done, not made.

“Five points to… nobody" their boss was getting pissed and added
sarcastically "You’re genius, Thirteen, what tests exactly?”

Bree: Just your typical day with Gregory House.


Blair: EP, CD, DVD, VHS, ABC, NBC, CBS, CW, HBO...

allergies, tocsins?” the girl gave a new shot.

Wilson: 'ToCSins'?? WTF??

“We already did these.”

Foreman: On national TV, to boot!

“We didn’t test allergies to the meds” a small blonde with pink uniform

Jack B: Wait a minute, who is it?

“Any suggestions?” House made half sad half mocking grimace.

Mark: When you don't know the language you're writing in well, stop,
for the love of God!
Derek: And most importantly, don't publish it on the web!

“Cameron’s right, some of the meds can be killing him” Foreman

Sawyer: They may be rolfing him to death!

“ANY suggestions!” he limped to the white board, not noticing the
remark “We got coughing blood, temperature, fatigue, dyspnea and

Dan: Available, only for today, at 10 dollars! So act now!

How can we catch whatever is making our winner’s heart beat like drums
in metal band?”

Jack: With a net!

“The echo was clean” Thirteen said.

Mark: Echo? Echography? Isn't it called a 'sonogram'?
Tritter: And more importantly, why am I feeling these exams are done
more at random than usual?

“The pulmography too”.

Derek: Huh?

“It can be cancer” Kutner proposed.

Chase: To who?

“There was nothing on the MRI”

Cuddy: Not even the patient!

Cameron looked at the patient’s file- It can be something environmental
which causes condition close to TB.

Foreman: Grasping at straws, Medical Style.

“Or parasites” Foreman murmured almost to himself.

House: You mean babies?

“OR you’re all idiots and it’s TB but there’s something which switches
meds’ effects” House yelled “Something like his BRAIN.”

Wilson: Wait, wait, wait... WHAT?

“There’s something messed up with his brain?” Taub seemed a bit

Cameron: You and me too, man.

“C’mon the guy had had two not-so-simple brain surgeries in past year”
House span the marker between his fingers “these surgeries always had
some consequences.”

Cuddy: *turns to House* What did you DO with that marker?

“Also he’s been taking dangerous drugs which can have plenty of side
effects, weak immune system and allergies.” Cameron bubbled “Plus he
had some courses of radiation treatment, so…”

House: And he had a dog when he was a kid.

“Do MRI to the brain, new LP and blood test” the boss cut her “test him
for every brain infection and if it’s all negative rip his lungs out,
then the TB couldn’t damage them.”

Chase: You know it's bad when you don't understand House's sarcasm.

“Will we stop the meds?”


Cuddy: *sings* Don't stop, the Meeeeds!

“But they’re killing him.”

House: And this story is killing ME.

“If there’s infection they’ll show us where it is.”

Dan: They'll put on a big sign!

“They’re killing him fast!” - Foreman raised his voice.

Mark: To the windowsill.

“So do the tests fast” House nodded to the door- “Move, move, move!”

Derek: No, you move, move, move!

[Doors 1-6]

The party is in full swing, and to House's dismay Sloan and all the
kids are there.

Wilson: You can't always get what you want, House.
House: Well, at least my cousin isn't here. You know, she's such a b...

Suddenly, House turns and sees his cousin who is none other than Sue

House: B...b...baby-oriented person?
Sue: You know how Sue Cs it about babys, Sir LimpsALot. And if you know
your worth, you'll stay far, far away from me. I have been sacked from
my job as the Cheerios coach, and of course, without me, those
lugheaded bitches are not even gonna win Sectionals, nevermind

Sue storms off.

House: Wait a minute Sue...
Sue: What, Apartment Complex? I'm gonna ruin this freakin' party if you'll let me... and even if you won't.
House: You can't always get what you want, Sue.

With that, he presses the button and throws her into the theater. The door locks behind her.

Wilson: Good save, House. I'm only wondering what you're subjecting her to.
House: If she'll scream in a few... (Sue can be heard screaming) Yes, that was 'ChibiUsa's Sixth Birthday'.

House grins and pushes the button.




MST BY TheWaughnMan



“Well, let’s tell never!?” the African-American doctor

A Servolicious Production.

[ Our doctor today is | chipper ]

  • 1
yayyyy! firsties!
great MST as always! my favorite line had to be House quoting Monty Python. "My hovercraft is full of eels!" House should quote Python more in canon.
passes cookies and other goodies to you and all the House cast

Thanks! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you too!

Excellent MST.
Favorite lines:
Foreman: I think that was supposed to be Ebonics... translated into Japanese... by a carrot. And I think you know how much I carrot about this.

Blair: EP, CD, DVD, VHS, ABC, NBC, CBS, CW, HBO...

Cuddy: Not even the patient!

Foreman: Grasping at straws, Medical Style.

Cuddy: *sings* Don't stop, the Meeeeds!

Also, loved the inclusion of Sue Sylvester.

  • 1